


Survival

by 000Diana000



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, BAMF Natasha Romanov, POV Natasha Romanov, Protective Natasha Romanov, retelling of endgame from nats perspective so theres spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 07:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18795637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/000Diana000/pseuds/000Diana000
Summary: This contains major spoilers for Endgame. The timeline may be a bit wonky, but it's 4 am here and I wanted to post it._____________________________________________________________________________________________________________She would know if Clint was gone. She would feel it. An ache deep within her bones. An emptiness in her stomach. Her arrow necklace would burn a hole through her chest, would create a black hole which would swallow her slowly, would erode her being.





	Survival

“You sure you can handle piloting that thing all by yourself?” she asked gesturing to the orange ship in parked a few dozen feet in front of them.

He waved off her concerns. “Yeah, sure. This ain’t the first time I’m flying solo. By the looks of it, it won’t be the last either.” He shrugged trying to look unbothered. “ ‘Sides, I know a scavenger guy a couple of galaxies away who could join me if he’s not.. you know.”

“Dust”

“Cosmic dust. Sounds nicer.” He slid his backpack on his shoulder, and fixed his glasses better on his furry head. “I should be back in a couple of weeks at most. You sure you guys don’t need anything? I could get you some decent weapons for cheap in case you ever need an upgrade to those wrist tasers.”

“Widow’s bites. But I think I’ll pass this time.” She smiled down at the creature. She was going to miss his constant chatter. “You could still stay here.” She reminded him again. But he’s been ready to leave the moment his tree friend turned to dust. 

She hoped these couple of weeks he spent among them instead of alone in space have been good to him, even though she knew he’d sticked around only to wait for the rest of his team. They’d all been waiting, she supposed. For any news, any changes, anything to let them know this wasn’t permanent. This chaos created by the snap. 

“I said I’m coming back already.” His words brought her back from thoughts. He took a few steps towards the Milano, before turning his head towards her. “I’ll keep in touch. I'll email you or something.”

“I hope you find them.”

“Me too.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Half red, half blue, with a star in the middle. Old tech. Nothing remarkable about it, not by what she could tell. And yet they’d found it by Fury’s car, with his fingerprints all over it. The last thing he did before he was gone was use this device. She’d searched archives to track down where it came from, searched for the logo everywhere she could think of, dug deep across her web she’d spent years creating, and yet nothing. Until today.

They were all crowded around it, her, Steve, Rhodey, Bruce, when the voice came from behind.

“Where’s Fury?”

“Her story checks out” she dropped a file on the desk in front of Steve. He brushed a hand through his hair, lowering down to his face, where new lines made their appearance on his forehead, and around his eyes. He’d lost so much. They all have.

“Yeah, I had a feeling it would.” He said. 

“So we just send her for recon/rescue.” Rhodey crossed his arms. “ If Rocket’s sure some of his team’s out there, we’ve gotta help them.”

“I’m sure. I told you one of the Guardians sent that signal. It was how we said we’d use to communicate if it all went to shit and we got stranded.” Rocket said, tinkering with a screwdriver with his left hand, while his right was still in bandages from his last recon mission. “I’m definitely going with her though.”

This earned disapproving loos from everyone in the room, so he tried to square his shoulders in defiance, only half succeeding. “What? She’s like _half Kree_.” 

“And that’s something we should be concerned about?” Cap asked him.

“I’ve had some bad encounters with her kind.”

“She’s not Kree” Thor says from his spot, hunched on a chair, away from them, staring through the window facing the main gate. 

“Who made you an expert?” Rocket snapped.

“I asked.” The god shrugged, still not turning back to face them.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

She finds Rhodey later, scanning news websites that are still up. She could just about make out the keywords he used to filter the story. Tony. Stark. Iron Man.

“Find anything?” he jumps a bit at that, and shuts the laptop, before turning towards her.

His shoulders drop. “Not yet. Just those videos from the fight Bruce told us about. Some witnesses say he flew up towards that ship, but that’s all.”

 _Maybe he’s still up there_ she wants to say, but it doesn’t seem like it’d help at all. She still blamed herself for the whole fiasco with the accords, and then for not reaching out to Tony at all in the last couple of years. She’d been telling herself she was supposed to be off the radar with Steve, or that he wouldn’t want to talk to her regardless, since she’d betrayed him by helping Steve ( _but another part of her knew he’d forgive her, like he’d forgiven Natalie Rushman for spying on him, and for saying he wasn’t fit to be an Avenger, because Lord knows he was, he really was and she was blinded by the persona too much to see the person, if only she’d reached out and apologized, why **didn’t she** , he would’ve have **understood** -_)

“What about you?” Rhodey asked her, and she broke eye contact like she did most days lately, because Rhodey was searching for his best friend, who was lost because no one was with him, to help him, abandoned by his own team because of _politics and politicians_. 

“What about me?” her fingers skimmed over the files on the table next to Rhodey’s closed laptop.

“Any news on Barton?” her hand stopped. “Nat?”

She looked at him again. Opened her mouth twice before she could even form a single word. Eventually she shook her head. “I had Rocket take me there with the Milano, but no one was at the farm.”

“I guess 50% could mean an entire family.” He didn’t say it with any malice, or to try to be cruel. Rhodey was a good man. And yet-

“He’s not gone” she took a shuddering breath. “He’s not.”

He looked apologetic, but didn’t ask how she knew. Small acts of kindness. 

She would know if Clint was gone. She would feel it. An ache deep within her bones. An emptiness in her stomach. Her arrow necklace would burn a hole through her chest, would create a black hole which would swallow her slowly, would erode her being. Her mind shifted through the possibilities. 

Clint taking Laura and the children into hiding, more off the grid than the farm, when Thanos first stepped down onto Earth; being blessed enough to keep his family after the snap (or having suffered enough on this goddamn planet that the universe owed him this). Clint taking Laura but no children, starting a new life far away from the place where their children vanished under their own eyes, broken but together; Clint would send a signal on an old channel so that she’d know he was okay. Clint taking Laura and one or two children, crying, but alive, solid, and leaving the farm behind.

Maybe he didn’t think she’d made it. She was taken by an urgent need to remediate this, to send him a sign – anything to let him know _I’m okay. Where are you? Why aren’t you here?_

Logic told her if he’d want to know about her, or if he’d still be (for any definition of want to know about her or any definition of be), he’d know where to find her. 

She thinks of Rocket and how she’d secretly thought that his trip across the galaxy, chasing after an old signal that could’ve been virtually anyone, was pointless, the sad realization she was right when she saw him walk off the ramp of the Milano, as alone as he’d left.

God, she hoped Carol was going to have more luck than him. She hoped she would bring back at least a part of Rocket’s family. 

She hoped Rhodey would find a fucking selfie on Instagram of some teenager, starstruck, next to Iron Man, Tony Stark himself, with a dumb description, so that Rhodes could fly there and bring Tony back, so that they could all apologize for what they’d done and cry for what they’d lost.

She hoped Steve would find the peace he’d never had. The determination in his eyes that disappeared the moment Barnes died with Steve’s name on his lips, the moment Rhodey said they’d lost Sam as well. The moment Wanda disappeared with Vision dead in her arms.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

She passed Thor in the hallway when she was going to find Bruce. He didn’t acknowledge her past a vague nod of his head with no eye contact. She turned to look at his retreating back.

“Thor?” he stopped, but didn’t sketch any response. “I’m going to try to convince Bruce to come up from the lab. Wanna join me?”

Who knew she’d come to miss his relentless optimism?

He continued on his way away from her.

She’d try again later. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The moment she first felt the vibrations through the think walls of the Avengers Headquarters, she dropped her water bottle, which probably spilled all over the gym floor, and ran out, swinging the boxing bag away from her, not bothering to close the door. 

She passed Thor on her way out, but he didn’t seem to be inclined to stand up from his spot. She was one of the last to reach the rest. Bruce, Steve, Rhodey, Rocket, and, surprisingly, Pepper who Natasha didn’t even know was at the headquarters, were all looking up at the giant ship being lowered onto the grass by what looked to be a flame, a beacon of light, but Nat knew better, and when Carol took a few steps back from the ship, and dimmed down her light, the trap opened.

“Tony”

She didn’t know if the name slipped out from her, Rhodey, or Steve, but they all started jogging towards Tony, barely registering the blue human-shaped android holding him up.

Steve got to him first, then Pepper, and Rhodey.

She saw Rocket sit down next to the blue alien and place a paw on the alien’s hand.

While the other three were helping him walk towards the headquarters, he turned to her.

“Missed me, Agent Romanoff?”

She huffed a laugh.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

She visited Tony sometimes.

After he was better, out of the private hospital, after he and Pepper moved to the nice house by the lake.  
Of course, if asked, even by Tony, she was visiting Pepper.

“Pepper’s not home.”

He left the door opened and walked further inside, so she figured he saw beneath her façade.

“Water? Beer? Wine? I don’t have any good vodka at the moment, unfortunately.” He said while pouring himself a glass of water.

“Water’s fine.” She said as she took the glass he’d poured for himself presumably, from his hands. He looked at his now empty hand in confusion for half a second,   
before grabbing another glass to fill.

She walked over to the couch in front of the fireplace and sat down, cross-legged, turning around to watch the genius walk to the other side of the couch and sit down.

“So, Natashalie. Wanna tell me why you’ve been checking up on me?” he looked at her analytically.

This was it. Now or never. “What makes you think I’m checking up on you?” Looks like the answer is never.

“Please. Did Rogers put you up to this? It couldn’t have been Rhodey, or Bruce, since they pester me with phone calls every couple of days, and visits at least once every two weeks. So spill. What’s got Cap so concerned?”

“I’m not Steve’s watchdog.” She frowned. “I’ve been trying to apologize for betraying you.” 

“Oh, please, I’ve been over Natalie Rushman for years.” He took a sip of his water.

“I meant for helping Steve at the airport” she explained and he chocked on his water. She sketched a movement towards him. To pat his back, maybe, she didn’t know exactly, but he stopped her regardless with a hand up, palm facing her.

“I’ll admit that was unexpected, but I tent not to hold grudges.” 

Lie. He’s exclaimed, quite publicly, that he did still very much hold a grudge against Steve, but again, from what Steve’d told her about what happened between himself, Tony, and Barnes, she figured that was a fair grudge to hold. She’d had to refrain from punching Captain America in the face when he’d told her what went down. 

“Still. We’ve left you be on your own for years, and you got stranded in space because of it. Not exactly what you’d expect from your teammates.” Although it’s been a few months since his return, and the third time she’d seen him since, she could still detect a tightness around his mouth and eyes at the mention of his latest near death experience.

“Yeah well, maybe I’m not a team player after all.” Harsh, especially since he’d just said he was over her stunt as Natalie, but she’d take it, if that’s what he needed.

“Neither am I.” he knew this. He’d read her SHIELD files long before she made it all public. 

“If I accept your apology, will you stop your recon missions to my place? Or at least stay for dinner from time to time, so Pepper stops bugging me about playing nice with you guys?”

She recognized this for what it was. An olive branch. If not between Tony and the rest (or just Steve most likely), but between the two of them. They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known anyone else from the original team (except for herself and Clint), and they have had each other’s backs for most of it.

She stopped in the doorway on her way out and turned to look at him. “Did you guys think of a name yet?”

“How did you-”

“There are two pregnancy tests in your trash in the bathroom.”

He muttered something that sounded a lot like ‘spies’ and said “You taking tips from the raccoon now? Picking through trash?”

“I’m fairly certain he doesn’t actually do that.” 

Just before she closed the door all the way she heard hi say. “Morgan. We’re thinking Morgan”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

The one year anniversary of the snap was the day Thor started packing.

It wasn’t a shock for any of them. The god hasn’t been the same since Thanos. Neither of them have been, but Thor lost more than any of them, and carried, although irrationally in her opinion, the most guilt.

Beheading Thanos didn’t help the god at all.

“Where are you planning to go?” she overheard Rocket ask from the doorway to Thor’s room at the compound. 

“Asgard. I’ve been away enough.”

“I get that, but don’t you think you should try to look a bit more presentable before returning to your people? You could shave a bit, take a shower.”

She decided to announce her presence. 

“Hey guys, I just talked to Carol. She says she won’t be coming back this month. Got stuck in some civil war on some planet.” She looked at Thor first, but he didn’t meet her eyes. She looked down at Rocket, who only shrugged in an ‘I tried’ way.

“I’m going to call Danvers to see if she needs a hand. That woman hasn’t heard of the word diplomacy in her life.”

Even Thor half smiled at that while continuing to pack the few clothes he’s managed to acquire over time at the headquarters. 

“Hey.” Nat said and pointedly waited until he looked up at her before continuing. “You know you don’t have to leave, right? Asgardians can handle themselves without you being there all the time.” _Until you heal a bit more_ , she wanted to say. She’d been keeping in touch with Valkyrie ever since the Asgardian shower up at the front gate, to check up on Thor.

“You guys don’t need me either.” 

“You don’t have to be needed to remain somewhere. You can just exist for a while. It’s all the rest of us have been doing.” 

Thor sat down, the bed squeaking a bit under his weight. He looked every bit the god and king he was. Even in sweats and a hoodie. He’d been so down for so long that she forgot sometimes. She forgot who he was, forgot he was anything but her friend and teammate. A little broken and a lot tired, like all of them. But there were some moments like this one, where she was reminded of the first time she’d seen him. In his caped and armored glory, with a shiny hammer, electricity surrounding him, making him glow from the power of it. Fighting side by side with her, a mortal woman with so much blood on her hands, and yet he never saw any of that, never saw anything other than a sister in arms.

He’d told her once that she reminded him of an old friend of his, from Asgard. A warrior woman, one of the first, of Lady Sif, and she’d looked up the myths and legends of her. Natasha never got to thank Thor, but in her lowest moments, she thinks of Lady Sif, whom she’d never met, but who inspired her to keep going, to keep doing the right thing, so as not to lower Thor’s opinion of her.

She hoped Lady Sif survived.

“I think I’d rather just exist among my own people, if they will still have me.”

She walked further inside the room and placed a hand on his broad shoulder. “We’ll be here if you change your mind.”

He placed his hand over hers and squeezed it in gratitude, before standing up and continuing packing.

First Tony, now Thor, she couldn’t keep her family together no matter how hard she tried.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

After the chaos of the first couple of months, when neither of them knew what to do besides mourn, Natasha was happy to conduct the meetings between the official and non official members of the team, when they were away. Carol was the one who was around the least, for obvious reasons, so they mostly saw her as a hologram. Rocket and Nebula had been taking the Milano around the Universe most of the time, helping where they could, still trying to find any rumors about the Mad Titan, but to no avail.

Rhodey was still a Colonel, and so he had a lot more responsibilities beyond being an Avenger, so Natasha saw him at Tony’s more often than at the headquarters.

Bruce was down in the lab most of the times, experimenting with gamma radiations, for one reason or another. She went down to bring him lunch sometimes, and they’d sit together and reminisce about the good old days, back when the world wasn’t a mess, back when the team was more or less functional, back when the two of them were together.

But most days, it was just her and Steve. Steve who had taken upon himself to go to meetings for some sort of reason which might have had to do with him mourning Sam. 

She found him in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich. She watched him, leaning against the door frame.

“Want one?” he asked her.

She shook her head.

“Have you thought about what I said?”

“I sent her a birthday gift.” Steve said, continuing to spread peanut butter on a slice of bread. “A toy shield” he smirked.

“While I’m sure Morgan will love a gift from a man she’d never met, I actually wanted you to go over there for Tony.”

“She’s one, what does she know.” Steve sighed and put down the now ready sandwich. “What would I even say to him, Nat?”

“You could start by apologizing.” She suggested. He knew she had been visiting Tony, and that she had done her part by apologizing, and that Tony was gracious about it, so his fears about doing the same thing were entirely unfounded. But Steve had always been stubborn. “Someone on the inside has let me know that he’s sick of holding grudges.”

“Me too.” Cap said softly. He looked pensive for a moment, then turned to fully face her. “Fine, I’ll go. I’ll even get Morgan a better gift.”

Natasha walked up to the table and took half of the sandwich from Steve’s plate. “Good.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time she sees Tony he’s in great spirits. 

“Who knew children are so easy to take care of?” He said, smiling down at the little girl in his arms, but Natasha distinctly remembered him freaking out over the phone with her about what to do when she cried the first time Pepper left him alone with her.

_“You’re the only other woman I know that would pick up, I can’t tell Pepper I failed literally five minutes after she left!”_

_“You know I don’t have children, right? I’m not exactly mom material.”_

_“I’m ready to take any advice.”  
_

He must have read her expression, because the next thing he said was “I know I might have freaked out once or twice”, _that I know of_ , Natasha wanted to say, “But it’s like Clint said, they’re either hungry or tired for the first half a year. Those are easy to fix, and later-” he continued but she couldn’t hear a word of what he’d said next.

“What do you mean ‘like Clint said’?” there’s no way he talked to Tony about his family before he brought the Avengers to the farm when the whole thing with Ultron happened, and afterwards even Nate was old enough for that parental wisdom not to apply. 

Tony made a face. “Ok, so I might have exaggerated a bit when I was telling you I was acing this whole fatherhood thing. Not by much” he tried to gesticulate, as he normally does, but couldn’t really, while holding Morgan at the same time. “I might have called Clint for advice once or twice.”

“Clint’s alive?”

“You didn’t know?” Tony’s eyes widened. “Wait, wait, why did you think he wasn’t alive?”

“The farm was empty. I hoped he just went off the grid, but it’s been more than a year with no contact, he’s never done that to me befo-”

“What about his children? Where are his children? Laura?” Tony grew more agitated.

“You’re the one that talked to him, how would I know? Didn’t he mention them? Or where they’re hiding?”

Tony stood frozen, then hugged a sleepy Morgan closer to his chest. “He never mentioned his family. God what if they’re- ”

Natasha let out a breath. She ran a hand down her face. “I don’t know Tony, up until now I thought they were all gone.”

Tony looked sick. “I’ve been asking for advice on children since Morgan was born and all this time his kids-”

“Don’t.” she put a hand on the shoulder not occupied by Morgan’s head. “You couldn’t have known. If he was bothered by it, he wouldn’t have answered you, like he does to the rest of us.”

That didn’t seem to help much, but Tony continued “So you really thought he didn’t make it? All this time?”

She really tried not to feel betrayed by Clint. She willed herself not to be. He had his reasons. He had to have had his reasons for not answering them, for answering Tony. For still being missing.

“If you get a hold of him” she started

“I’ll try to talk some sense into him.”

“He’s not gonna be easily persuaded. If he doesn’t want to come back to us,-”

“I’ve known Clint almost as long as I’ve known you. I’ll do my best.” Tony looked at her concerned. “I’ll keep you updated. I promise.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

The next thing she knew, five years had passed, and Clint was still gone, and Bruce had left, and Thor hadn’t stopped by in a couple of years. It’d been just her and Steve mostly. Rocket’d been messaging her every week for the past five years when he was away with Nebula. He was probably one of her closest friends besides Steve and Tony. Carol checked in for hologram meetings, but she’d stopped by less and less often. Okoye had been trying to maintain the order in Wakanda, now that the only person left fit to rule was the Queen Mother. She’d welcomed the help of the Avengers at first, but since things had stabilized a bit, there’d been no need for them to fly over there. 

Rhodey split his free time between the headquarters and Tony’s home. He was, unfortunately, also the one to see first hand the massacre left behind by Clint on his way around the globe in a mission to eliminate every horrible person who, by sheer luck managed to survive the snap while so many others, innocent people, didn’t. 

She wondered sometimes, how long it’d take him before he’d get to them. Or, her specifically. Since he was now doing what he was supposed to do when he was sent after her on that mission in Budapest that changed both of their lives, would he end up in front of her, arrow ready to strike, or blade ready to slice, in a twisted turn of fate?

We’re a long way from Budapest.

And yet here they are. The two of them. Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff. Fighting. Life or death.

She could still see the irony in it, despite the situation.

She had always hoped that when she died, it would mean something. It would be a meaningful death. The moment her forehead touched Clint’s she knew this was it. This was the moment her life has been leading up to. All the love is for children bullshit, fighting side by side with him, loving his family as though it was hers, she knew she would die, if it meant Clint Barton would live on. If it meant that the leaving creatures that disappeared right under their eyes would have a second chance at existence. 

But as she came to this resolve, she saw the look in his eyes, and realized that Clint Barton was the greatest pain in the ass she’d ever met and will ever meet.

Them loving each other was never an issue. It was a known fact. The sky is blue (except on this goddamn planet), the grass is green (except on this goddamn planet), Natasha and Clint loved each other.

Except on this goddamned planet, because the moment she heard Clint say “tell my family I love them”, she didn’t think she had ever, in her entire life, hated anyone as much as she hated that asshole. She hated him with every fiber of her being, enough that, she thought that if he were to jump now it wouldn’t make any difference, she hated him that much that she wouldn’t even get the goddamned stone. 

She had never experienced such dread in her entire life as the moment an arrow exploded by her, making her crash into the ground, and seeing Clint look at her as he jumped over the edge. She doesn’t even remember how she did it, only that in the next moment she was jumping after him, tying a rope around him and preparing herself for the free fall.

He caught her hand.  
That bastard.

She looked up at him now, her hand in his, after they fought, again.  
It seems they’d been fighting each other ever since Budapest.

“Let me go”  
“No”  
“It’s okay”  
“no”

She looked at him one last time. She hoped he would understand. She hoped they all would. She hoped her mismatched family will survive. They needed to survive.  
She found her footing and pushed away from him.


End file.
